Learning how to co-parent with compassion, which means focusing on your children’s needs above any personal animosity, can go a long way to creating calm and preventing parental burnout. Most significantly, it can also help to minimise the inevitable emotional challenges that come with divorce and protect your children’s mental health.
Prioritising your child's mental health
The first step towards successful co-parenting is prioritising your child’s wellbeing at every stage. No matter how old your children are, the break-up of a family will be incredibly hard on them so always keep the conversation on them and set any personal differences you have with your ex aside.
Make an effort to listen when they have opinions or worries about what’s going on, and find ways to support them and validate their feelings. It’s natural that children might act out or feel angry about what’s happening—remember that it’s their way of processing their grief and upset, rather than being about you specifically.
Remember to reassure them that they’re not responsible for the break-up and that they’re loved by you and your ex. If they share positive feelings towards your ex-partner or a new step-parent, don’t lash out or emotionally reject them for it—it’s a positive step that will lead to calmer co-parenting in the future, even if it feels emotionally difficult in the moment.
Managing conflict and disagreements
Divorce isn’t always amicable, and that can lead to stressful conversations, hurtful exchanges and arguments. As co-parents, you need to find ways to de-escalate these situations in a healthy way, which often benefits from professional assistance and tailored family mediation.
Family law specialists George Ide LLP explain how “Mediation can be useful for all types of family disputes. Mediators are trained professionals who will be able to provide an open and calm setting to discuss matters between parties for an agreement to be reached…Mediators are able to offer lots of different options tailored around your needs—whether this be in-person or remote appointments.”
Third parties can help you find trends in your disagreements so you can identify the triggers and handle them more effectively. The impact of parental conflict on children can be long-lasting, so parents should be careful what they discuss in front of them, finding ways to communicate calmly when children are present to prevent causing emotional distress. Child-inclusive mediation can also help by inviting children to be involved in the conversations, allowing their feelings to be heard.
Essential communication strategies for co-parents
Direct, almost business-like communication can be beneficial in the early stages of a divorce. While it doesn’t need to last forever, speaking in this way and avoiding emotional language can help to reduce the risk of blame and disagreements. It can help to set limits on what can and can’t be discussed when children are around, and how often that communication takes place. Neutral language can help to promote respect, and it’s important to avoid blame or emotionally-charged phrases that might lead to arguments.
Another way to communicate more effectively is to choose a medium you both agree on and stick to it. It might mean avoiding phone calls in favour of email, for example, or using a co-parenting app that keeps communication to the essentials.
It’s easy when you’re hurt and emotionally vulnerable to place blame on the other person and criticise, but this is damaging to your relationship as co-parents and can get in the way of what really matters. Instead, even if you disagree, try to be respectful in your conversations and actively listen to the other person. The goal is to come up with solutions, not to attack your ex-partner at every opportunity.
Setting healthy boundaries and expectations
Establishing clear roles and responsibilities is essential for co-parenting successfully, and it’s also valuable for your mental health. Work with your ex-partner to determine how you can conduct drop-offs when changing custody or coming up with consistent routines that work with each other’s schedules to minimise stress and arguments. A shared parenting plan helps both parents manage their own routines while still prioritising the child and keeping tension and uncertainty at bay for everyone.
Boundaries are critical for protecting feelings and your mental wellbeing. Know when to disengage from conflict and protect your peace, and allow time for transitions to settle. Divorce and co-parenting are ongoing processes that require you to stay firm in living your values while still creating stability for your children.
Protecting your own mental health as a co-parent
You’ve likely heard the expression ‘you need to put on your own oxygen mask before helping others’, and the same applies to mental health. Self-care and stress management are incredibly important when you’re going through a turbulent life change like divorce. In order to really be there for your children when they need you, you need to be in a strong mental health space yourself.
Seek support from friends, family, support groups or therapists who can help you work through your emotions and find ways to process your own feelings about the divorce so they’re separate from any co-parenting discussions. It’s also important to set realistic expectations for co-parenting. It’s likely to take some time for both of you to adjust to this new normal and challenges will arise as you work through routines and sharing responsibilities.
Celebrate the small wins and understand that there will be setbacks but that doesn’t mean you’re failing as parents. Every situation is an opportunity to learn and develop new ways of working together as co-parents to support your children.
Article by Annie Button