Han's story:

We spoke to Han, one of our Peer Youth Mental Health Workers, about her experience of living with OCD.

Obsessive compulsive disorder is a mental health disorder in which a person suffers from intrusive and unwanted thoughts or urges (obsessions) which then lead the person to perform repetitive actions or behaviours (compulsions) to reduce their anxiety.

Can you recall the first signs that you may have had obsessive compulsive disorder? How did your OCD first manifest itself?

Everyone’s first signs of OCD are different, but for me it displayed very young in my childhood. It’s always been there, even my first memories are of OCD.

It first manifested as objects not feeling in the right order or place. If I then didn’t put things in the right order or place, I worried something bad would happen. Only later, when I was in my teenage years, did I understand what it was.

Were there any associated conditions diagnosed alongside OCD?

When I was diagnosed with OCD at 17, I was also diagnosed with depression and generalised anxiety disorder.

How did you feel at this time – were your family aware?

It was an unpleasant experience, especially when I was a teenager. In my teenage years it was horrific, I felt very depressed, upset and scared. I also felt a lot of guilt and shame during this time.

I tried to hide my OCD from those around me. I was afraid no one would believe me. I hid it quite well. Though they didn’t notice my OCD, they did notice that I was very low and emotional.

Has the way your OCD manifested changed over time?

My OCD has been very changeable; it moved its focus and obsession many times. For a period of time when I was young, I felt I had to repetitively pray at night even though religion wasn’t a part of my environment. I just felt something bad would happen to me or my family if I didn’t.

The light switch was also a big one for me. I would have to get up at night and switch it on and off until it felt right. I would go back to bed, it would still play on my mind, and I had to do it again.

Later, in my teenage years, if I wrote a text to my friend, I would have to delete it and rewrite it even though there were no errors. I also would write my notes in lesson and have to erase it and write it again.

How long did it take you to receive a diagnosis?

I was diagnosed when I was 17. I went to the GP with my dad; through his job he was able to get me help on private healthcare, so I didn’t have to wait long. I feel very fortunate to have had this option at that time, but this was many years ago.

Many people today have to wait quite a while to get support and the demand is large. I’ve had to experience this as an adult.

How did you feel when you were diagnosed?

I knew before my official diagnosis that I had OCD. The diagnosis itself didn’t make me feel much better about having it, but it did bring it all out into the open. I was feeling quite suicidal at the time, as well as self-harming, but what did make me feel better was being able to see that I was going to get help.

What makes your OCD worse?

When I was younger, and when my OCD was severe, it was constant. It was every day of my life. However, as I have gotten better over the years, it’s not as constant. Today, it’s mainly made worse by stress.

It’s also made worse when I’m exposed to my triggers, like things I perceive as bad such as mould or raw meat. As I currently eat meat and love to cook, I have learnt to expose myself to and confront this trigger regularly.

How do you cope when you feel overwhelmed by your OCD?

I cope by doing things that I enjoy in life, doing things that help improve my overall mood. When I am in a better mood, I feel in a better place to confront the triggers of my OCD.

A great tool to use for confronting triggers is a bravery ladder. You can work your way up from less severe triggers. It’s a great gradual way of challenging your OCD.

Having a good support system around yourself is important. Friends, family, professionals and people who have experience of the condition are a great support resource. Also being kind to myself and accepting on myself.

How does OCD impact your daily life? How does your OCD impact both work and personal relationships?

OCD used to impact my life quite severely, today it’s better.

However, my OCD still impacts me regularly. My OCD makes anxiety inducing situations worse and I often worry about what people think of me, my OCD and the way my brain works.

I think it is something that I will have to manage for the rest of my life, but that has made me a resilience and empathetic person.

Have you received any help therapy for your OCD? What approach and treatment has helped you the most?

I have had therapy a few times over the years. Firstly, I had group DBT, which helped me to manage my emotions better and connect with others. I also had one-to-one therapy alongside this, which focused on my OCD. All of which was helpful.

In recent years, after giving birth to my child, I had some more CBT, which has really helped me in parenthood and managing new OCD triggers.

OCD is still part of my life, but I’m able to both manage and challenge it. Challenging your triggers for OCD is very important, as avoidance can make them worse and stop you from doing a lot of things.

What are some common misconceptions people have about OCD and people with OCD?

People often assume that OCD is just about extreme cleaning or hoarding, but this is a myth. OCD doesn’t only need to be about being clean or keeping things neat and tidy. OCD can be about almost anything; it’s not clean cut and it’s different for everyone.

Another misconception is when people use OCD as a descriptive word. OCD is almost treated as if it’s just a habit, or quirk, when really OCD is a mental health disorder that can be very debilitating for people.

How has having OCD shaped or changed your personality? Has it helped improve your resilience?

For me OCD has always been there. In some ways it’s almost part of my personality. Previously I tried to separate it from myself, but now I accept it and try to manage and challenge it.

It’s very hard to go through a journey of poor mental health. But it’s made easier when you have the appropriate support and are listened to. Today I feel stronger and more resilient from having been through the experience. I feel grateful for my life.

What would you say, or what advice would you give, to someone who thinks they have or has been diagnosed with OCD?

Remember you’re not alone. Your experiences are your own, but many other people are going through life with OCD as well.

Peer-support and online resources are great tools of support, such as OCD UK. Also, listening to other people’s experiences with OCD can help you feel heard and understood. However, check these resources are from reliable sources and avoid using social media.

Also, reach out for support. There are organisations and people out there that can help you, you aren’t alone.

How can people help friends, family or even colleagues with their OCD?

People can help those with OCD by doing some research with reliable sources.

Understanding and listening to someone with OCD is a valuable form of support. Don’t tell someone with OCD what to do, try to empower them and remind them that OCD can be challenged and it will get better.

People can also help by challenging misconceptions around OCD. It’s not a descriptive word and it’s not a quirk. It’s a challenging and taxing mental health condition.

Finally, seek support for yourself as well as the person you are caring for with OCD.

We would like to say thank you to Han for sharing her experience and story with us.